The results are starting to come in from my column the other day, my open letter to the universe about what job I should seek when it’s time to move on from here. With my bumbling short-term focus, I somehow failed to recognize this would lead to unorthodox job suggestions. It turns out a number of, ahem, unusual people read my work and have sent me information on under-the-radar nonprofits seeking an executive director.

While I’m fascinated by the breadth and shallowness of these groups, I don’t think I’d be a good fit with any. Still, the person who connects me with my next job will get homemade cookies and a sonnet written for them, so please keep those suggestions coming, just not quite ones like these.

NAACP (National Association for the Advancement of the Color Purple)

IBM (Big Blue) and Big Red (the soft drink NOT the gum) teamed up to form this nonprofit to encourage the use of purple in signage, packaging and tattoos. The executive director is expected to emulate Purple (nee Violet) Beauregard from Charlie and the Chocolate Factory and color himself appropriately.

ETS (Educational Texting Service)

Although technically a nonprofit registered on an Indian-Ocean Island, ETS makes significant profits off the sales of high-school and college cheating software on both Google Play and Apple’s App Store. ETS uses provisions in PL 94-142 (The Education for All Handicapped Children Act) to encourage helicopter parents to include use of expensive “supportive educational technology” in their children’s IEP’s. Parents then text answers to any and all test questions. ETS is looking for a front man, who can talk the education talk while the rest of the corporation sunbathes in the Seychelles.

Habitant for Humanity

“Canadian Soup for the Masses” is the tagline for this nonprofit, which tries to spread the gospel of green-pea soup in the French-Canadian style. Since the Habitant Company was purchased by Campbell, and sucked into the watery dregs of Big Soup, Habitant for Humanity has encouraged local soup production throughout Quebec, offering grants to organic stew farmers and broth builders.

Sienna Club—Raw and Burnt Aren’t the Same!

The Sienna Club devotes itself to educating the artistic community, crayon consumers and the general public on the differences between raw sienna (yellow-brown) and burnt sienna (red-brown).The organization claims, with no evidence, a failure to make this distinction has led to a number of deaths worldwide through misplacement on color-by-number paintings.

American Red Crops

A nationwide consortium of farmers, American Red Crops brings together growers of radishes, strawberries, rhubarb and SOME apples. In recent years, resentments and color blindness have led to a number of splinter organizations, e.g.: Crimson Collaborative, Rose Rooting Society, Scarlet Society, etc. Luckily, when fisticuffs are involved, the bloodbath falls under the umbrella of the parent group.

Doctors without Boulders

A joint effort between the American Medical Association and the Alabama Department of Corrections, Doctors without Boulders matches medical professionals in need of extreme landscaping with prisoners on chain gangs. Prisoners break down rocks on the physician’s property in exchange for . . . well . . . nothing really.